Spring has sprung, and slowly as the blossoms bloom I watch with wonder as Mary-Jo’s body gains more strength and stamina.
It is such a tainted gift to be going through this. Mary-Jo has so much patience, patience in the physical and emotional., Patience that I am learning to find in myself. Each day that goes by is another learning experience, as it usually is in life, but even now greater then before. Learning to adapt to a whole new world filled with such different dimensions and decisions. Decisions to be responsible for our attitudes. Constantly having to push away fear, and soothe our hearts with gratitude. MJ is doing so well. The sun is shining and she is working so hard at rebuilding her body. Her arms are getting much stronger. This week she was fitted for her manual chair, outings are now a possibility. An ironic side effect of spinal cord or nerve injuries is that even though she can’t feel touch or sensation in her legs she can feel pain. Her body is in incredible shock internally and trying hard to communicate and send messages to all the levels below which can’t feel. This pain is called nerve firing. Because the nerves are damaged at the point of injury the proper signals are not being sent to her body. Essentially her nerve ways are trying to relay information but are not getting through to which it then transfers to pain. Mary-Jo is not taking any medication at this point, reasoning that any nerve activity is something we want to encourage not suppress.
Tonight I was sitting by my mom’s bedside, we were reminiscing about the difficult moments in ICU. Nights where I thought I would never be able to stop crying. Hours where she lay there afraid, confused, thirsty and unable to speak, because of numerous tubes protruding out of her mouth. Meetings where our family was pushed into a world of paralyzed reality, still trying to digest the fact that she couldn’t feel her legs. Our angel was trust . Mary -Jo was held in a place where she was given the courage to live a life that wouldn’t permit her to use her body to the capacity that she once had. Trust that we would be by her side for whatever she needed. Trust that each and every nurse and doctor was doing their job correctly because her life depended on it. Trust is such an incredibly challenging gift. Trusting that even in the most foreign and frightening moments we allow ourselves to let go. Let go of our expectations, our judgments, and our comforts . We fall in to places we never thought existed, that often lead us to that place within ourselves where we find exactly what we trust ;our ability to grow and endure. When we trust we often come out with greater strength, depth, and wisdom then we ever imagined.